Champagne For My Real Friends

It's that time where you think of all the bad you've done. All the Embarrassments. All the Sadness. All the anger. Night is just the perfect time for that.

I was looking at the old yearbook i had and remembered all the good times I had, mixed with the bad.

Those haven't changed. But people have.

What can you do? It's Human nature for people to change. It can happen as quick as days, that's what I had to find out the hard way.

But that's the good thing, as it is the bad. Change isn't a bad thing all the time. Sometimes change is good. As long as the person is happy with the change they made, right?

But sometimes it's hard to be happy when the people you become so close to, just disappear.

But as long as they are happy.

Happiness is a thing we all deserve to have. It's so much more than an emotion. It's what defines a person. But for some people it is harder to get. It is harder to feel happy. That's what i'm trying to do. I need to be happier and not dwell on the things of the past. It's hard. But it's what makes a person stronger. To not be a weak little fence, but instead a good wooden fence,and then maybe a brick wall. (As you can tell, I'm not good at analogies)

People change, but memories don't. So you can have the good times, and you can have the bad times. But do the bad times matter? I just think that happiness is what we all need. We should do what we can to get it, but not have our quest for happiness, block our future.

What i've learned in my quest for happiness is, emotions will get in the way. It's impossible for them not to. One persons right, is another persons wrong, and so on and so forth.

But the only one who can truly make you happy, is you.

"You Are What You Love, Not Who Loves You"    

I Walk A Lonely Road

I haven't wrote in a while. That's my bad. There is a lot going on. I'll start with the end of school.


I did good on all my finals except math, which I did pretty bad on. I ended up getting a "C" in the class. Now normally this wouldn't be a problem, but, my parents have a no C policy. So I ended up just telling the, i got a B so I wouldn't get yelled at and feel worse about myself.

Then there is the job situation. My dad wants me to get a job. But I'm still 14 until the 30th so by then what's the point in getting a "summer" job more than halfway through summer? But Dad thinks I'm Lazy. But he never gets on my sister who, is a year older than me. So I don't get that logic.

It's going to be the first summer, my first birthday, without two parents in the same house. I didn't think i'd take it as hard as i am. But it gets to me. July 31st was their wedding anniversary. So, I don't know what will happen then.

This summer i thought would change me. I would be a happier person. But right now, im hiding my tears and sadness behind a fake smile. No one has noticed yet. I could be sharing that to people, but wait. No one reads this. It seems like no one cares.

That brings me to the next thing. I fell forgotten. Like no one cares. I've been like that for a while, but it's worse now. I haven't talked to anybody from school, and no one wants to hang out or anything. But on my behalf I am really shy and i don't like being in large groups of people. But i feel forgotten.

I feel that way because i don't get texts from anyone, even if i text them first. People delete my phone numbers. The worst part is, when I'm texting people, they just leave after five minutes (if that) of talking. So i feel alone. I feel no one cares enough to even carry on a five minute conversation with me and it hurts really bad. I don't feel wanted, or accepted. Sometimes I feel stupid and dumb for even thinking people care anymore.

I also don't sleep. It could be because I'm scared of many things, and i think of all the things that I said before.

I just want to be happy. I don't even know how to happy anymore. I just don't know.

What's the point if no one even wants to carry on a five minute conversation with me. I feel that it's even my fault they don't want to talk to me. It probably is anyway. I just feel useless and alone and I don't know how to fix that.

I,Pessimist

I've been in my basement since I've been home.

I just don't see the reason on going out.

But trust me. I have been trying to be happy. It's just really hard.

Today was the worst.

It started out well until i got to government. That's where everything went wrong. The sub that we had was doing examples, but when she got to me, she said that this girl jordan and I were married but i had an affair.

Little Back story; I HATE that word. Affair just sinks my heart and kills me. For two good reasons.

Anyways, not only did she say that, but she said that i was a wife beater. It kinda hurt.

So after that, I literally walk 5 feet out the door and i get made fun of and harassed for what the sub said!

"Don't cheat on her Zach"

"Don't hit her Zach"


I hated that.

Oh but we aren't done there!

Kyle Wouldn't stop being a jerk. He kept saying the worst things to me.

You can tell me that i'm a wuss, But what people say and do hurt.

I also feel forgotten. I walk all alone out of school. No one wants to wait to talk or what not. It hurts. I feel more alone than i am and i hate it.

I'm just done. I really am. No one sees how much they hurt me. and the funny thing is


They Don't Care

Times like these

I dont know why im writing this. Im pretty sure there is no one out there reading this. So lwt me get some things off my chest.

Im tired of not feeling good enough. I want to be god enough.  Im so tired of people telling me that im not good enough.  Is it becauae im not the best looking guy? Is or becauase I look stuoid? Or is it because I mess up. Maybe its becuase im good for nothing.  Good questions.  And I don't know.

People know how to get to you. They know exactly the worst thing to say when you're depresses. Something like
"No one cares what you say" why don't you just leave?" More good questions. They just feel more like truths.

As I sit here writing this post in self pitty, id just like to adress that maybe my life is sad. Maybe its as messed up. Its just the worst kife anyone coukd ever live.  Maybe you feel sorry for me.

Truth be told, its not the worst life. But it sure as hell isn't the best.

That doesn't mean I should sit in pitty right? Wrong. When you feel like you messs something up for someone. Self pitty is all you have.

Maybe I mess things up because im a jerk. So ill be nicer starting tomorrow.

Maybe I mess things up because I put myself down. Probably true.

But theres a whole other side to this, that I reallt don't know who to tell to. I mean my friends are great and all, but this is pretty heavy stuff.

Which is why I made this. I want to be happy and I feek it would be better for everyone if I was.

Problem solved?

Far from it

But its a great place to start.

Im tired of being not noticed. Im tired of being sad. Im tired of being the way I have been. So its time to change.

Maybe this way, is the way to happiness...

LIES GREED MISERY

I'm trying.  I really am.  For everyones sake.  I want to be happy and not depressed but it just seems that I can't. ...
Im just tired of all of it. Im tired of people Lieing to me. They all want me to be happy but I cant if they lie.

Im just choking in my misery and I hate it. I want to be recognized.  Not just the guy people leave in the halls. Not the person people forget about. I wish it was like that.

Unfortunatley I am that way. Im messing up so much now that im sad. My relationship, my friendships, im loosing the people i care about the most. I hate being sad but I cant even begin to describe how hard it is for me to be happy.

I just hope I can stop messing up peoples lifes...

Finally Found Right, But That Right Was Wrong

The title says it all. Which i guess is sort of a good thing, right?

Well i was finally getting over my parents splitting up. It seems like life was getting better. I mean at least i didn't have to hear fighting between them. So I decided to move on and finally get on with my life. Which is really good, because i was tired of being sad and mad all the time. And things were really going well. Except for the last couple weeks.

Here is the run down. I'm just annoying!

"What, Zach, No you're not!"

I call that lies. I do annoy people. I can't help it. I guess i'm just annoying, so what? Why let it get to me right?

Wrong.
 Ive really been anoying to the ones i care about the most. I try to hang out with people and they don't talk to me or they say, oh why don't you go hang out with so and so.

and I could be over reacting, but i guess it just hurts. I dont want to be annoying or mean or anything, but i am. and it hurts to know other people think so.

I've also been trying to make everyone happy. But people put me down about it, but i don;t care about that. A wise man once said "Be the Change You Wish To See In The World". And thats what i feel i have to do. But not everyone likes that idea.Which i know, in order to make other people happy you might make someone unhappy, which i get. And i don't want to do that, but i think this will all work.

Some people just don't believe in me... so that's what hurts...



Until next time

This is the way to Happiness...

The Good Left Undone

Today was somewhat better. I had my championship hockey game today. We won which i was really happy about, but not everything went well. I messes up my leg which i can still walk around and move but it hurts. I also went headfirst into the boards while trying to get the puck. So my head has been hurting non stop, which sucks because i just recovered from a concussion and the last thing i need is another one. But not only that, we (as a team) went to SmashBurger for lunch. and everyone was doing the "Salt and Ice" challenge. I didn't want to do it, but guess who no has a weird welt kinda thing and it stings really bad. So yeah, good day...

But Things sorta got better. I went out to see the Colorado Mammoth game. We lost horribly, but it was fun. I had never been before so it was pretty cool. I was just tired and couldn't focus too much.

And as for my depressing rant post i had the other day, things are still pretty much the same.

Think of it as like this:
Your playing a sport. Take Hockey. Your skating down the ice and you get a beautiful pass and all you have to do is put it in the wide open net to win or the team. But you miss. Soon everyone is pissed at you and mad at you and hates you for everything you've done. You should just leave before you mess anything else up...

That's how I feel. That i will mess up something so badly, ill just wind up where i started off. Alone. Without any friends. Without anyone who cares. And sometimes I think, why not just go and spare everyone's happiness? It just bugs me.

I guess you can say, i'm over thinking things, or you could say "You never do anything like that", because i know that is Bull.

What i'm trying to say is, i'm not ok. I don't know when ill be ok, I don't know if ill be ok. I'm finding it hard to get though everyday now. and i hate it...

But ill keep posting because right now, it seems like This is the way to happiness...